Toxic behavior is one of the biggest problems on the internet. Casual racism, sexism, harassment, cyberbullying, and other abhorrent behaviors abound. The anonymity of the internet has driven many internet users wild with power. These particular people attack others relentlessly because of a sleight (real or imagined) or maybe even for laughs. Even worse, this behavior is often not met with any consequences.
This is a cycle that we, as parents raising a new generation of digital citizens, have a responsibility to break. Part of that starts with how we show up online, modeling behavior that we deem appropriate, and part of it comes down to how to teach our children to interact with others in their digital spaces.
Contextualize Trash Talk
When you’re talking online, there is often the urge to just let loose and say whatever’s on your mind, especially when you’re playing games with your friends. However, there are times when “trash talk” being modeled can become detrimental to your child’s perspective of what is and isn’t appropriate to say in multiplayer lobbies, with friends, strangers, or a combination of both.
This isn’t to say that you can’t have fun and drop expletives in chat, but it’s important to recognize how our children may ingest those words without context. Without guidance, they may come to associate those words with “normal” talk on the internet.
There’s power in contextualization, especially for young minds, so whenever possible, use context to talk about what’s appropriate and inappropriate for them to say. This varies from household to household and family to family, but the key is consistency.
Be Kind, Be Compassionate, Be Polite
This is already something that we’re teaching our children, both in and out of the home (because our kids are learning this in the classroom, too).
Be polite. This may seem like an obvious tip, but you’d be surprised how many parents fail at modeling this important behavior to their children. Being polite means using considerate, compassionate language whenever interacting with people you don’t know, regardless of who they are.
Be kind. Even when faced with impolite, rude, and even toxic people, put up boundaries using kind, compassionate language. “I don’t wish to be spoken to like that” is far more effective as a teaching model than expletives or insults. It’s far better to walk away from toxicity than it is to meet it with toxicity of your own.
Be compassionate. You don’t know what someone else is going through. Assume that if they’re acting in a way that you don’t like, they likely don’t know why it isn’t okay to talk to you like that. Again, modeling compassion through boundaries and language is much more effective than dissolving into anger.
Be a Good Sport
Sore winners are just as frustrating and demoralizing as sore losers in online competitive games. We often teach our children that they need to learn to lose with grace, but we don’t talk about the flip side of that nearly enough.
If you have a tendency to gloat when you win, even if you believe that it’s good-natured, curb the urge to do that if you have children watching and/or listening. Children don’t understand the nuance of fake-gloating or faux-bravado so they’ll instead likely learn to emulate the behavior without the silliness behind it.
Take Breaks
If you’re losing and it’s making you get a little hot under the collar, walk away from your game and take a break. Remember when our parents would tell us to do that? It’s still important. When we become mired in our own frustrations, it’s difficult to pull ourselves out of it without pulling ourselves out of the space that’s making us feel that way.
When we model the behavior that it’s okay to walk away when you’re angry (or frustrated), we show our children that it’s both good and necessary to self-regulate our emotions and not make them everyone else’s problem.
Widen Your Gaming Circle
In order to combat the various “isms” that we deal with online on the regular, widen your gaming circle to ensure that you’re playing with lots of different people from different cultures, countries, and backgrounds.
When we model that diversity and inclusion starts with who we choose to hang out with, our children start to learn that there’s strength and power in welcoming all kinds of people into our gaming spaces.
If you’re shy, and that’s reasonable, and you don’t wish to do this, remember to watch your language and ensure that you don’t veer into language or behavior that could have the potential to alienate or harm others, were they to listen in or participate in your gaming time.
Most importantly, keep talking
If your kids have questions about how you’re talking, invite the conversations and don’t shut down. Keep yourself open to their curiosities. The more you’re able to contextualize and explain, the better your children will be able to navigate these online spaces with ease and compassion, rather than succumbing to peer pressure and hatred.
Linda Wrobel